An hour of overburdened perfectionist Prose
February 1, 2012
Growing up I was always one to not wish to offend. It seemed every small decision in my mind was some potential confrontation that I over-rationalised to the point of indecision because a decision would mean I thought I actually had a choice. While I may have actually had one, relatively I didn’t see it that way. Majority of the time it was either being asked to do something; in which case the answer was always yes; and when offered something I always felt I had to be polite and say no thank you rather than accept, as accepting to me at that point in time seemed to be synonymous with being selfish.
Eventually though, through much mentoring, I somehow learned how to combat at least one of these habits, perhaps a little too much though. Nowadays I’m more inclined to say no then yes, however whether or not it’s voiced as being just that is a-whole-nother (tmesis ftw) kettle of fish. There will be things I’ll fervently object to doing, and there will be circumstances where my response is more obliging. Evidently it’s not because I’m necessarily against what has been laid in front of me, more so apprehensive than anything. Generally experiences in hindsight lend themselves to those up-and-coming decisions and while learning from mistakes can shift my inclination of whether or not to say yes or no in particular situations, sometimes it’s better to just say no and see reactions and responses and then perhaps revert to a yes if warranted.
In light of all this though, I still manage to overburden myself. Commitments spurred on by irrational repartee still see my weeks become burdened with things I, to be quite frank, don’t really know how I ended up doing. There’s so much I could do for work, and yet only a portion of it really interests me to offer as a service. And yet there’s circumstances where I feel obliged to jump on board purely for the fact that drawing from the knowledge amassed from preceding experiences will lift the bar from what others may see as acceptable, to where my perfectionist nature says it should be. Not to say I’m being egotistical in such situations, far from it, but it’d be rash for me to ignore the advice from an experienced financial adviser on things concerning finance, or a business planner on things regarding business. It does frustrate me though when I’m not given the same benefit of the doubt in certain matters I’m well versed in though. I’ve been doing web development and graphic design professionally for 7 years now, surely that would suggest I know what I’m talking about.
But this is life as it is, it doesn’t always go the way we may hope, the way we over-rationally think it should go. Subsequently it can result in my feeling quite exhausted from the whole ordeal and while even the time I’m writing this proves I’m a night-owl, the fact that I still manage to get an appropriate dosage of sleep doesn’t seem to hinder any feeling of being worn out. A mix of fighting for the right to actually do certain things the way previous industry experience suggests it should be done; and somehow wrapping myself up in things that I half feel I should do, and half feel I need to run far away from.
With 5 minutes to 3am though, I’d say my rambling for the morning is complete; hopefully a somewhat concise point-of-view of current feelings towards the circumstances I find myself in. It’s still a growing experience, an opportunity to continue to adapt and learn from what is presented in front of me; however the question then becomes growing into what, and what’s in store in that next chapter.